Letting go of the past

There comes a time in every woman’s life where they must come to peace with their past. Decisions, partnerships, bad style choices. It all played a role that has completed it’s cycle and to look forward and brightly into a new decade, we have to forgo the things that clutter our heart, mind and closet the most.

Coming to terms with what I want my future to be includes letting go of the person I used to be. The young youth, fed up with the way the world was going. An economy that was struggling from a recession, the college system being too slow to keep up with the internet, and a lack of direction or guidance from teacher’s and adults that would lead me on a while ride through my twenties.

I have few regrets. I made decisions based on my heart and mindset.

  • To move out at 21 after my dog passed, fueled by a loss of love and grief to the hands of an abusive boyfriend.
  • To working odd jobs and not really understanding my own health and what would be best for me.
  • Feeling like a failure as I try to scramble paying bills and go to college.
  • Leaving said abusive relationship, losing a treasured dresser, and finally feeling free.
  • Cosplaying with people who would only take advantage of me.
  • Spiraling into a drug overdose and loosing friendships. All before I was 25.

I guess I did the crazy party girl thing. The late night drinking, binging, and odd hours. Then I became chronically ill and I’ve been battling that, and after a sebatical, toxic roommates, and experiencing life outside my small bubble I am capable of so much more.

I didn’t like therapy, now I just want a therapist so I have someone to talk to. To vent to about normal shit. I crave deep intimate relationships with my closest friends. Wine night’s and good desert. I’ve met some pretty incredible people, and have started to build a name for myself, as small as that is. The girl who has been working for a decade in front of the camera is progressing to a different dimension of herself.

My eyesight isn’t what it used to be, and I’m concerned I need glasses for reading. I like fine dining just as much as a ridiculous binge session, and I’m finally understanding what I want to do-who I am. Is this what aging is?

photo: Sage Bell Photography

The most ironic thing of living with mental illness for over a decade, is that you really lack foresight.

I never thought I would make it to 25.

And then I did. Then I hit 26, and then 27, and honestly, being 27 has been so good to me. Despite people still asking me what the fuck I’m doing with my life and if I’m in college. I’m ready to settle down and buy a home with my partner. I’m ready to commit to something more than myself. I’ve stopped obsessing over fans, followers, and being famous.

But the most miraculous thing? The most incredible thing? I got away from the shadow of insecurity, the suicidal ideations, and the “success before 25” rhetoric that is shoved upon teenagers and early 20-somethings. It was so exhausting. Trying to live up to someone elses’ dream. I was heavily influenced by public media, the wealthy and rich who have everything, the well-to-do youth’s who won’t understand true struggle of sleeping in your car and living off of foodbanks. Who have never experienced starvation and bullying within the same damn day. Who don’t know what being an outcast and gaslit by passive-aggressive behavior is like.

My childhood wasn’t magical, but I have plenty of stories to share. I understand struggle. I know what poverty is, and I know what it’s like to be the kid in the class who isn’t asked to the dance. To live in your car and wonder how you’ll make it when everything around you leaves you scared and feeling alone. As if you’re drowning.

So if you’re where I was, young, starving and alone, don’t give up. You are so much stronger than you think, and I promise, it’s hard work but you are worth so much more than you may feel right now. You will suceed and figure out what success means to you. There’s a lifeboat out there with your name on it, so just keep swimming.

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